The Fantastic Case of: I'm Innocent

Herman Mildew.  Yes, yes I know the name…unfortunately.  He was my “editor”, and yes, I do mean “editor”.  As in “ed”-“itor”.  “Editor”.  Well you see he liked to think of himself as an editor, but I mean, come on, I’m fairly sure he does not have his B.S. in editing!  How can one call himself an editor, AND NOT HAVE A B.S. IN EDITING?  I’ll tell you what that wretched man DID have, a BS in editing.  Oh, just the thought of his snarky attitude as “edited” my works, eating, getting disgusting food stains all over my work, you know I’m also fairly, no scratch that, one hundred percent sure that Herman Mildew hated man in the office!  He was a no good, berating, lying, two bit, no good, pompous, arrogant, no good, horrible, sack of monkey excrement! Did I mention he was absolutely no good?  I swear, the thought of casually placing banana peels around his office door in the hopes that he’ll slip on one and fall down hurting his back so that he has to go to the hospital thus causing him to take that horrible six o clock traffic from the downtown hospital back to his house, I mean he’d be in an absolute fit, he’d be sore all over between the fall, and the long drive, and the hospital bill, he would pace and pace around that disgusting house of his (fit for a disgusting man!)  that he’d forget to pay his bills, soon he’d be evicted because he forgot to pay his mortgage and he’d have to live on the streets, from there he would join an underground homeless fighting ring in order to build his street cred so he wouldn’t look like an easy target but there he would win and become king of the hoboes, but then he would be a horrible king, super power crazy and constantly imposing unfair taxes upon his fair homeless subjects that there would be a coup de etat, the rebel faction of hoboes would overtake the unfair king Mildew thus ejecting him from the hobo underground kingdom for good, then while wondering the woods he’d be hungry (I don’t know how he got to the woods, minor details…) so he’d eat some berries, but, oh no, they’re mama bear’s berries, being chased by mama bear he would trip suddenly on a stone and fall down the mountain breaking every bone imaginable, from there he would die a horribly slow and incredibly painful death.  Whats that officer?  He’s dead! Well, isn’t that just a uh, huge uh, coincidence…oh, you really mean he did slip on a banana peel…no kidding, I had no clue he was actually evicted…now, can you really prove that those taxes were unfair…wow, I mean every bone?  Man, talk about ironic, yes I agree it’s not funny; it’s a horrible thing, what happened to Herman Mildew.  You mean I’m a suspect!?  Well I couldn’t have done it!  You see officer, I am terribly allergic to bananas, and so I could’ve never placed those banana peels outside of his office otherwise…why was I eating a banana before this interrogation?  What?! I’m not allergic to bananas anymore?! Well isn’t that just the uh, grandest thing, to uh, this really isn’t looking too good for me huh officer?  Ok, ok, but I still could not have killed Herman Mildew because he gives me fifty percent off of my dental work.  Yes, yes it’s true, his brother is a well known dentist, and Herman got his brother to give me fifty percent off on all dental work, claiming I was a really great guy.  You know officer, Herman Mildew isn’t too bad, it’s just I pretend to hate him otherwise I’ll miss all the cool parties John Green has.  Let me tell you, John Green really hates Mildew, last week, I saw him at the supermarket buying a crate of bananas, just saying…oh and officer, please don’t tell Jon Scieszka about John Green’s parties, we usually don’t invite him.